CIVILIAN
1 POST & 0 LIKES
|
Post by Haseo Yomoto on May 20, 2012 15:49:07 GMT -5
wip
|
|
BND STAFF!
USER IS OFFLINE
Years Old
Female
60 POSTS & 0 LIKES
|
Post by NPC on May 25, 2012 22:34:39 GMT -5
HOLD IT--!
I'm not able to tell what his age is, since what's on the field seems to be just his birth date. You also don't mention what year of high school he's in, so that doesn't help. Also, the alias is a nickname your character goes by. Are you sure he responds to "The Lazy Genius"? Just checking.
You were told that you needed to write his physical description in a paragraph of five sentences or more. You must fix this and, please, try to be detailed. You have the height and weight as well as the hair and eye colors. What's his body type? Does he work out to keep his figure? What type of clothes does he wear? You have some colors he likes to wear, but what about style? Does he dress preppy or goth, or does he choose not to comform? Does he just throw jeans and a t-shirt on? Does he change his wardrobe for the winter or summer?
You should expand more on his Overall Personality. It feels really bare and we can't really get a good feel for what he's like. Try to think of why he is the way he is. If he wants friends, why can't he have them? Is he generally a good friend? Why does he hate bullies? Do his methods of dealing with them cause him or others problems? Why does he lack social skills?
Could you also expand on his history a bit? There is no maximum or minimum, but it'd help if we knew what he's been through and what he's done to get to where he is. Explaining his relationship to his parents before they died and his relationship to his current guardian could help understand how he acts around others as well. His living conditions could shed some life into what he's gone through and how hard he's had to work for what he has and who he associates with.
For the character face claim... You filled it out wrong. You need to write which series the face claim is from, then the face claim's name, followed by your character's name. I'd also like to note that your character's physical description doesn't match the character you want as face claim. It's possible to do this, but I wanted to make sure that you meant they had different hair and eye color. Please keep in mind that you'll sometimes have to describe the differences between your character and its face claim; I mean, you'll have to describe his black hair and blue eyes, since people would see blond hair and brown eyes on Shizuo.
For his Persona, you need to explain how Morrihan ties to Haseo. How are they similar? Why should she be his Persona? How does she tie in with his past or what he's currently going through in his life? If they don't have any similarities, he can't have her as his Persona. Also, Morrighan's myth information was copy/pasted from somewhere. That's not allowed, as it's plagiarism. Please write the Persona's myth in your own words.
It's a small thing, but I think it's important to fix it: Mundu and Gara are not Affinities. I think you mispelled Mudo and Garu. Please fix them.
The wording for your weapon of choice in unclear. It makes it sound like he is literally wielding a sword made of flames, and that isn't possible in our universe. Please fix the wording; if the name is just a description of the weapon, you can link to an image. Just remember: no hotlinking.
Your character is an Original character, so his method of summoning his Persona should be the KAFIR Watch. If he doesn't have a method of summoning, he can't have a Persona.
You have to fill out the Persona Claim field. Just list your Persona's name and list it as your Initial.
[/center]
|
|